You can have your ghosts and goblins. I've got public speaking.

I have a recurring nightmare: I'm in front of a crowd at an author event. Someone asks me a question, one that I could answer just fine if I could just sit down and write, and possibly rewrite, a response. But everyone is looking at me! They're all waiting for me to respond, and I'm very aware that they're waiting for me to respond. This awareness replaces all coherent thought in my mind, and all I can manage is an eloquent "Aaaap. Baaaaap. Bah." Which is immediately quoted on Twitter. #authorfail.

Okay, my feelings about speaking in front of groups aren't that bad. Really. But like many people who like to communicate through writing, I'm not quite as comfortable in front of a group as I want to be. (Insert thinkpiece here about introversion. Insert second thinkpiece about tropes and bookishness and movies with women who have to overcome their glasses.)

I've been to so many speeches, readings, and panels where authors were engaging, inspiring, hilarious, or all three, and it made me care about their ideas and want to read their books. The ones I went to when I was younger made even stronger impressions, and if I'd ever been brave enough to ask a question, I would've held onto the answer forever.

That's the kind of author I want to be. The writing itself is the most important thing, but I also care about being part of the children's book community, and I hope I can create good meeting-the-author memories for some young readers. If those memories can be free of aaaap-baaaaap-bahs, even better. I want to be able to think less about the fact that I'm Up in Front of People, and think more about what would be interesting or helpful for those people to hear.

So I decided to do something about it: I've signed up for a public speaking class. The first session was this past week, and yes, the first time I got up to speak, I was really aware of all the people looking at me and waiting for me to say things. Supportive though the environment was, I know I talked too fast, and if someone had asked me a tough question, I would've had a hard time giving a thorough answer.

And then the second time I got up to speak, I talked a bit more slowly, and thinking was a little easier. Funny how that works.

Halloween, schmalloween. I'm conquering my own fear this October.